Freaks
by Bedelia
Summary: Luna's quest for the elusive Grimbly-Toed Mumbler leads her to a rather unexpected romance.


**Freaks**

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_**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own anything related to Harry Potter. This is an amateur, non-profit work.**  
A/N: **__I have absolutely no idea what prompted me to write this pairing, but thanks for reading! :)_

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With a deep, steadying breath, Luna took a moment to scrutinise her appearance in the bakery window. Red cowboy boots, a dress that she'd fashioned from a furry blue shirt that had once belonged to Hagrid, and a silver sequinned belt made up her ensemble, creating pleasant sparkles and flashes of vibrant colour in the wavering reflection.

_Perfect_.

She looked just like an ordinary Muggle! Hermione clearly didn't know what she was talking about when she said wizards and witches didn't know how to blend in when they ventured into the Muggle world. Then again, Hermione had always had a very narrow way of looking at the world, having been born with so little imagination. It was best to just humour the poor girl.

Her confidence renewed, Luna straightened her shoulders and crossed the street. The dingy bricks of Grunnings Drills held a thrilling promise of what was concealed within the nondescript building. Luna bit back a squeal of excitement. This was most certainly a place where Grimbly-Toed Mumblers would lurk in shadowy corners, whispering their secrets and basking in the raw energy and grime of the factory. It was so kind of Harry to get her a job interview with the Assistant Manager.

Not that Luna wanted to be a Muggle secretary, of course, but Harry hadn't seemed concerned about wasting the man's time in order to give her a chance to see the magnificent beasts in their native habitat. In fact, he had seemed absurdly delighted by the idea. Maybe, once the interview was complete, Luna would send the Muggle man one of her special Gurdyroot cakes to make up for the intrusion.

Humming merrily to herself in anticipation, Luna skipped through the front door of Grunnings. She tried to quell her disappointment when a flock of Grimbly-Toed Mumblers didn't immediately scuttle up to her, snack on the toes of her boots, and chatter in high-pitched squeaks. It was, after all, only the lobby.

Luna informed the pinch-faced woman at the front desk that she had an appointment with the Assistant Manager, watching intently as the woman picked up a_ fellytone_ and informed someone named Mr. Dursley that there was a Luna Lovegood there to see him.

Dursley. Dursley. Where had Luna heard that name before?

She was still puzzling over the familiarity of the surname when a large, muscular blond man with watery, almond-shaped blue eyes entered the lobby and called her name.

Oh! He was Harry's cousin! The one who had been so mean to him when they were children. There wasn't much of a family resemblance; Harry was so scrawny, like a little homeless puppy, while this Mr. Dursley looked like he could bench-press five of Luna and eat a thousand Gurdyroot cakes. Still, the shape of their eyes, if not the colour, was the same.

No wonder Harry had no qualms about sending Luna to see him under false pretenses.

"Miss Lovegood?" Mr. Dursley asked, staring at her shoes as he approached her. Wrinkling his nose as though he'd smelled something foul, he dragged his gaze over her outfit. When he saw her face, however, he swallowed. Suddenly, his expression shifted from scornful to dazed and discombobulated. It reminded Luna of the look Ron got when he saw a mouthwatering Sunday roast or took a particularly hard hit in the head from a bludger.

Luna felt fierce protectiveness for her friend well up inside her chest, flooding her entire body with the sort of outraged fury she usually reserved for people who made fun of her father. Crossing her arms, she glared up at Harry's childhood tormenter and let out a grunt of acknowledgment.

"Uh, right," he said. "H-Hello. I'm Dudley Dursley. Err, but you can feel free to call me Dudley."

For some inexplicable reason, Dudley seemed nervous. He fidgeted, shifting his considerable weight from foot to foot and wiping his giant hands on the thighs of his trousers. Against her better judgment, Luna accepted when he extended a shaky arm for a handshake.

She did, after all, still want to see the Grimbly-Toed Mumblers, even if her escort was a dreadful bully.

Underneath the unpleasant clamminess, Dudley's thick fingers felt soft and smooth, as though he had never had to do much — if any — hard labour. When her fingers brushed against his wrist, Luna raised her eyebrows at the feel of his rapid pulse. How odd! His heart was pounding faster than a Floogle's.

Wait. Was he _blushing_? Oh, dear. Perhaps his poor treatment of Harry had been due to a Blorglephlax infestation. He had all of the classic symptoms.

Well, if that was the case, he clearly needed Luna's help. Deciding that maybe he didn't deserve he wrath after all, she graced him with a tentative smile.

The blush deepened. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

After some more stammering and several offers of a cup of tea or some noxious smelling coffee, Dudley led Luna down a boring beige and white corridor and into a dimly lit office that had his name on the door.

Luna pursed her lips. This was all wrong! They would never see any Grimbly Toed Mumblers in this bit of the building. She would just have to sneak into the factory after he finished asking her whatever it was Muggles asked during job interviews.

"Right," Dudley said, motioning for Luna to take a seat in the uncomfortable looking green chair that was in front of his desk. "So. Err. My cousin said that you're currently working for his friend's parents in Gloucester — the dentists?"

"Oh?" Luna replied. "Did he?"

Dudley nodded. "And you're looking to move to Surrey?"

"Well, the proximity to Grunnings would be convenient if I worked here, I suppose."

Dudley looked troubled and confused, so Luna shot him a gentle, reassuring smile. His blush flared up again.

"Listen, err, my father would have a stroke if he knew I even _considered_ hiring someone who had been recommended by Harry," Dudley said, folding his hands on his desk. "So maybe it would be best if you just kept your friendship with him a secret around here. And—" he laughed, "—it'd be a good idea to pretend that I actually bothered to properly interview you as well. Um, when can you start?"

Luna's eyes widened in disbelief. "You're offering me the job?"

But they'd barely spoken! Maybe the Blorglephlaxi were confusing him into thinking Luna was actually qualified for the position. If that wasn't the case, then he must be a complete and utter fool.

"Yeah," Dudley said with a smile that almost seemed shy.

She fell into a befuddled daze as he handed her sheet after sheet of paper and started babbling about employment contracts and probation. Luna wondered what to do. Working at Grunnings _would_ increase her chances of catching a glimpse of the Grimbly-Toed Mumblers, and she would be able to sneak the antidote to Dudley's Blorglephlax infestation into his tea. Coming out and telling him that he had fuzzy green creatures burrowing into his brain and altering his personality would be far too distressing for his already fragile psyche.

"Err, you should probably wear something more…conservative for work," Dudley stammered, casting a pointed look at Luna's clothes.

"Oh." She frowned. "Is this not right?"

"It's…it's…_nice_."

He looked as though it physically pained him to say the words. Luna had enough experience with people trying to play malicious tricks on her that she recognised a lie when she heard it, but she decided to let this one slide. Not many people fibbed to her in an effort to spare her feelings.

"Only, my father — he runs the company, you see," Dudley continued. "He might have a problem with it. He likes things to be very…_normal_."

Luna smiled. "I don't think he will care for me, then."

Dudley let out a deep, rumbling chuckle, and Luna was surprised to find that she liked the sound.

-oOo-

"He actually _hired _you?" Harry asked, roaring with laughter. "Did you Confund him or something? I won't arrest you; I promise."

"No, I didn't," Luna replied, bouncing Harry and Ginny's son, James, on her knee and dangling the toy Moon Frog she'd sewn for him in front of his face. "He has enough problems without being Confunded on top of it."

Harry furrowed his brow, adopting the endearing, confused expression that still never failed to make Luna think he looked like a lost little boy. "What do you mean by that?" he asked. "What problems does Dudley have?"

"He has a very bad Blorglephlax infestation," Luna whispered. James wasn't yet old enough to understand their conversation, but she was still reluctant to discuss such disturbing monsters in front of little ears. "I think it's why he was such an unpleasant child."

"Luna." Harry sighed and gave her a fond — if exasperated — smile. "Dudley was a terror when we were younger because my aunt and uncle spoiled him shamelessly. I promise, he has no magical infestations of any sort."

"But he has all of the symptoms!"

Sipping his tea, Harry shook his head. "If he ever had a, y'know, _infestation_, it's long gone. We get on well enough now. He was the only member of my family to treat me with anything resembling decency before I sent them into hiding near the end of the war, and he's the only one I bothered to notify when James was born." He grinned. "Which isn't to say I won't play a little joke on him from time to time, of course. He hasn't _completely_ redeemed himself for the sins of his childhood."

Luna picked up one of the soft facecloths that Ginny had left on the table, wiping the drool from James's chin and kissing his soft, baby-scented forehead as she contemplated this new information. If Dudley wasn't suffering from a Blorglephlax infestation, then why did he stammer, blush, sweat, have a dilated pupils and a rapid heartbea—

_Oh_.

Could it be that Dudley behaved in such a strange manner because he found Luna physically attractive? That would certainly explain why he offered her a position as his assistant. Looking at her every day was probably an enjoyable prospect if he found her appearance pleasing. Luna let out a pensive hum. Dudley's probable motives were simultaneously flattering and demeaning.

Which reminded her…

"Harry?" she said. "I need help finding something to wear to work that will meet with your uncle's approval."

-oOo-

"Luna," Dudley said. "Did you happen to see anyone eating when you were wandering around the factory earlier? My dad is throwing a fit; someone got breadcrumbs _everywhere_."

"No," Luna said, giving him her most innocent, wide-eyed stare. "I didn't see anyone eating."

The leather scented breadcrumbs had been a last-ditch effort to draw the Grimbly Toed Mumblers out of hiding. She'd spent almost a whole day as Dudley's secretary, and she still hadn't seen a single one! To her relief, Dudley hadn't objected the little strolls she took around the factory before work and during her breaks; he had even joined her once, claiming he needed to stretch his legs.

Luna had a strong suspicion that he simply wanted an excuse to be close to her. Throughout the day, he'd been casting what he probably thought were covert glances at the dress she'd borrowed from Hermione.

It seemed to meet with his approval in an overwhelming way.

As Dudley sat down at his desk and began leafing through papers to pass the time, as he seemed to like doing, Luna let her fingers fly over the strange grey device on her own desk. The buttons marked with letters made such a pleasant clacking sound; she hoped it would lure one of the Grimbly-Toed Mumblers into Dudley's office.

"Luna," Dudley said, frowning as he stood up and lumbered back to her side. "Why is the phone unplugged?" He picked up the device in question and gave her the somewhat dimwitted, confused look that he seemed to be so fond of wearing.

"It kept ringing," she said. "That seemed to stop it, though I'd be careful holding it that close to your head, just in case. The sound is very annoying."

He pinched the bridge of his nose and let out an irritated huff. "Have you ever actually worked as a secretary?"

"No, I'm afraid Harry lied to you about that, though I didn't ask him to. It wasn't very kind of him."

"No." Dudley rubbed a hand over his face. "It wasn't. Do you actually want this job, Luna?"

"Not particularly." Luna smiled and patted one of Dudley's large hands when his face fell at her honest response. "I'm quite content with my work helping Daddy publish his magazine. But if you're so desperate that you'll hire someone who isn't even remotely qualified for the position, I can stay on, if you need me to."

Better to give him the benefit of the doubt and not accuse him of giving her the job for far more dubious reasons, Luna supposed.

"No, that's all right." Dudley appeared to struggle for words, as though he was dealing with complex, unwieldy concepts. "Why, err…why did you go along with it, though?"

"I wanted to see the factory. The big machines and the noise and everything just fascinate me."

It was _almost _true. Grimbly-Toed Mumblers were included in "everything."

Dudley frowned. "Really? Well, I would have given you a tour if you'd asked."

"Oh. That would have been much more sensible. Will you still give me a tour sometime?"

"Of course. Anytime you want. I'd, err, like it if you came back for that, actually."

Something on the floor must have interested Dudley, because as he said this, he stared intently at his own feet.

How marvellous! It would be like having access to her very own Grimbly-Toed Mumbler habitat, without the bothersome task of pretending to work for Dudley.

"Dudley," she said in a cautious voice. "I have to ask: why _did_ you hire me?"

Dudley hemmed and hawed before responding. "Well, y'see, the truth is," he said with a quiet gust of laughter. "I, err. Okay. Right." He took a deep, tremulous breath and started speaking so quickly that Luna had a difficult time keeping up. "The truth is that I think you're really pretty and I hired you because I really wanted to ask you out but then I bottled out and my dad will kill me if he finds out I've wasted company resources but I suppose he doesn't have to know about that if you don't even want to stay on and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go out sometime if you're not too busy."

Luna blinked owlishly. "That was very impressive, Dudley. Did you get all of that out in one breath?"

Harry must have been right about Dudley not being afflicted with Blorglephlaxi. No one with a serious infestation could have that sort of lung power.

"Err, I guess," he said. "So…do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Want to go out with me sometime?"

He was practically buzzing with a sense of urgency, as though Luna's answer was the most important thing in the world. The now familiar crimson blush that usually kept to his cheeks had spread over his whole face and even up into his ears.

"Are you asking me on a date?" she asked, bracing herself for derisory laughter and vehement denial.

"Yeah."

Oh! She knew he enjoyed staring at her legs, but Luna never expected Dudley would actually want to spend time with her. A date!

"As friends?" she asked, just in case she'd misunderstood his intentions.

He shook his head, looking more nervous than ever. "A real date."

In spite of her initial misgivings about Dudley, she found that she didn't mind the idea of having him be her very first real date. He had treated her well thus far, and the way he seemed to be a little afraid of her was quite amusing.

Luna beamed at him. "Okay."

-oOo-

"I still think this is a very, very bad idea." Harry's muffled, stroppy voice drifted through the closed door of his bedroom.

"Oh, hush, Harry," Ginny replied, holding a purple, filmy dress up against Luna's body before wrinkling her nose and tossing it onto the pile of rejected clothes that littered her and Harry's bed. "It's just a harmless little date. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Have you forgotten who we're talking about here, Ginny?" Harry asked. "My _cousin_. It's one thing to go into his office, but a date? He might have come a long way since we were kids, but he is still Petunia and Vernon's son."

"Yes, dear, I'm aware of that, thank you. But it's not like Luna is in any danger from him. He's a Muggle, and she'll have her wand handy. You played a major role in teaching her to defend herself, y'know. You should have more faith in her abilities."

"I have plenty of faith in her abilities. It's not about that. I'm not worried about him harming her _physically_."

Smiling, Ginny winked at Luna. "Honestly," she whispered. "He's such an overprotective git sometimes."

Luna felt the stirrings of the cosy, soul-deep warmth that she remembered feeling the first time Harry informed her that she was his friend. "It's nice of you to be so concerned for my wellbeing, Harry," she said. "It's like having a real older brother."

Harry didn't seem to have anything to say in response to this, but Luna liked to imagine that he was smiling.

"Oh, here we go!" Ginny exclaimed as she emerged from her wardrobe, brandishing a pale blue dress. Luna thought it was very plain and uninteresting, but she supposed Ginny knew better than her what one should wear on a genuine date.

"Listen," Harry said as Luna obediently slipped on the boring dress. "There are some things you should know about my family, Luna. They don't like wizards and witches. My aunt calls us freaks. I really don't think you'll want to date Dudley once you get to know him a bit better, but just in case you do…maybe you should try not to get too serious about him."

Interesting. Luna had encountered plenty of wizards, witches, and even Squibs who disliked Muggles, but she'd never met a Muggle who was prejudiced against magical people. Some people would use any excuse to be hateful, it seemed. How sad for them. It was such a shame to see anyone cut themselves off from potentially good experiences and wonderful friends for such silly reasons.

Ginny grumbled. "It's only their first date, Harry. Stop getting ahead of yourself and just let her enjoy it, for heaven's sake."

After putting on her jewellery, running a brush through her hair, and being pronounced "lovely" by Ginny (how nice!), Luna was ready. She skipped across the room and opened the door, grinning when Harry, who had been leaning against it, almost toppled over.

"Well?" Ginny said. "What do you think?"

Harry's scowl melted into an affectionate smile as he studied Luna's appearance. He tapped one of her dirigible plum earrings with his index finger, sending it bobbing back and forth. "The rest is nice, but these are my favourite bit," he said, chuckling. "My cousin doesn't even come close to deserving you, Luna. You look very pretty."

Lovely _and_ pretty! Luna was so overwhelmed with compliments, she was bound to end up with a swarm of Flibberblops buzzing around her head!

-oOo-

Snow crunched under Luna and Dudley's feet, sparkling in the muted glow of the streetlights and making Luna long to flop down in it and make a snow angel. She thought she had better resist, though, since she was wearing borrowed clothing.

As they strolled through the hushed stillness of the park, Dudley laced his gloved fingers together with Luna's. Her heart gave a surprised leap. The way his big hand encompassed hers was unexpectedly enjoyable.

"I've had a nice time so far," he said.

"Yes, so have I. The restaurant was good, even though they didn't have Gurdyroot tea or Butterbeer, and the cinema was interesting, though I didn't like the way you laughed when the people in the film were cruel."

"Oh." Dudley's mouth turned down at the corners, as though Luna had said something he found very offensive.

"Dudley," she said, tugging his arm as she wandered off of the path and into the woods. "I've been wondering; why were you so awful to Harry when you were younger?"

Sighing, he scratched the back of his neck. "Told you about that, did he?"

"A little."

"My parents, well, they have some problems with his sort — the people his parents hung around when they were still alive, I mean. I kind of picked up some of that from them when I was younger, I suppose."

This hardly seemed like a valid reason to Luna, but she let him continue, uninterrupted.

"We were just kids," Dudley said, as if this simple explanation excused all manner of transgressions. "It's different now."

"Why?"

"Long story." His face went blank, and a shiver that Luna suspected had nothing to do with the cold weather ran through his body. "The short version is he saved my life."

"Oh, yes. From the Dementors, right? Hermione told me he was almost expelled for that."

Dudley's mouth fell open. "You know about them?" he asked, flabbergasted.

"Of course. They must be even more frightening to you, since you can't see them or fight back. I could make you a charm to repel them, if you like. Of course, it's almost impossible to find Bimbleberries and Ingleweed at this time of year, and it'd be more effective if I knew what form your Patronus would take. Hmm. Oooh, maybe it would work if I made it in the shape of my Patronus, since you're a Muggle."

Stopping in his tracks, Dudley stared at her with wide, disbelieving eyes. "Y-You're one of_ them_, aren't you? One of Harry's lot?"

"His lot? Well, I'm one of his friends, if that's what you mean."

His gaze darted around the woods, as though he was afraid someone might be listening in on their conversation. "A _witch_," he whispered.

"Oh. Yes." She frowned as his grip on her hand slackened, though he didn't pull away entirely. "Is that a problem?"

"No," he said in a hesitant voice. "I don't…I don't think so." Pausing, he shook his head, as if trying to clear it. "It _does_ explain a lot of stuff, though. You don't play pranks on people with your magic, do you?"

"No." Remembering Harry's warnings about his family, Luna added, in a curious voice, "Do you think I'm a freak, Dudley?"

He gulped. "Um," he said, turning to face her and bringing his free hand up to gently poke one of her dirigible plum earrings. The action mirrored what Harry had done earlier, and yet, it was somehow different. Harry had certainly never _looked_ at her the way Dudley did. It made her stomach do unfamiliar, fluttery things.

"I think," he continued, seeming to gain confidence as he stared down at her, "you're unlike anyone else I've ever met."

Luna smiled. The fluttering in her belly intensified, sending a giddy, tingling sensation racing through her limbs.

Dudley could never be described as handsome. He didn't have Harry's attractive blend of heroism and vulnerability or Ron's boyish, inelegant charm, but there was something about the way an ever-present blush painted his face in Luna's presence that she found strangely appealing.

"Oh," Dudley said, looking up at the silver birch under which they'd stopped. There, tangled in its branches, was a clump of evergreen leaves and white berries.

"Mistletoe," he whispered.

Oh, no! Thinking her Butterbeer cork necklace wouldn't blend in while she wandered around the Muggle areas of Surrey, Luna had opted to leave it at home. She never thought she would end up stuck under some mistletoe — _live_ mistletoe, at that — completely unprotected from the Nargles that undoubtedly lurked within.

Just as she opened her mouth to warn Dudley about the imminent danger of having their possessions stolen by mischievous thieves, he bent down and pressed his lips against hers.

Luna froze, not sure what to do. On one hand, she would hate for the Nargles to get the bracelet she'd borrowed from Ginny or the handbag that had been a loan from Hermione. On the other, Dudley's lips were very, very soft. The unpracticed way he brushed them against hers made the quivering in her stomach reach such a startling level that she thought she might be able to take flight without a broom. His hands drifted down to grasp her waist, almost managing to wrap entirely around it. And then, to her surprise, his tongue tentatively entered her mouth, caressing her own.

It was weird and unsettling, but it was also thrilling and heavenly in a clumsy sort of way. Luna's mind was made up for her. Leaning closer to Dudley's warm body, she let herself be swept away by her first kiss.

Her eyes, however, remained open, her gaze fixed on the dangling bunch of mistletoe — just in case.

-oOo-

_Six months later… _

For the first time in her life, Luna Lovegood was desperately worried about what someone else would think of her. She stared at the innocuous seeming Muggle house where Harry used to sleep in a spider-ridden cupboard, trying to ignore the nervousness that coiled in the pit of her stomach.

She'd seen Mr. Dursley a few times, during her "tours" of Grunnings (which, to her dismay, had yet to unearth a single Grimbly-Toed Mumbler), but he'd always walked away, muttering under his breath. They had never been formally introduced, and she had the strange feeling that he preferred it that way. Mrs. Dursley was the one whose opinion really worried her, though. Dudley's mother had assigned the label of "freak" to her own sister and nephew, and by all accounts both of them were the picture of normalcy compared to Luna.

She wasn't bothered about her own feelings, but Dudley's potential reaction to his parents' inevitable disapproval had her jittering with anxiousness.

"Right," Dudley said, wrapping a heavy arm around her shoulders. "Remember, don't mention anything that involves magic. And, err, just so you know, my mum might call me all sorts of weird nicknames: Diddykins, Diddums—"

"Ooh," Luna said, tilting her head to one side. "Should I call you Diddykins, too?"

"No!" he exclaimed, horror shining in his blue eyes. "Never,_ ever_ call me that."

"Okay. I like Dudley better than Diddykins, anyway."

"Good." Clearing his throat, he gave her arm a gentle squeeze. "There's nothing to be afraid of, really."

"I'm not afraid at all. I'm just concerned because I know they won't like me."

Dudley came to a stop next to the front steps, turning Luna to face him. "Not possible," he said, brushing a quick kiss against her lips. As her ran his hands up and down her arms, ruffling the blue fuzz on her dress, his shirt sleeve rode up, revealing a strip of braided Ingleweed that was wound around his wrist and adorned with dried Bimbleberries and a silver charm in the shape of a hare.

"Anyway, if they decide — for some crazy reason — that they don't like you, it doesn't matter," he said.

"But Harry said you and your parents are very close," Luna said. "And he thinks you might change your mind about me if they—"

"I _am _close to my parents, but Harry's a real idiot sometimes." He gave her a crooked, unrepentant half-smile when she narrowed her eyes. "Sorry. He should know my mum and dad well enough to realise that they generally give me whatever I want, and he should know me well enough to realise that I'm greedy enough to want a girl who is far too pretty and kind."

Luna smiled as her favourite blush crept into Dudley's cheeks.

"I can make Mum and Dad like you easily enough," he continued, his voice brimming with confidence. "If they say anything bad about you, I'll just hold my breath until they take it back."

Luna released a bemused laugh. "Dudley," she said. "I think you're unlike anyone else I've ever met."

_The End_


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